I contemplated not writing this. But then I thought why not – at the very least it might be somewhat therapeutic.

One of the things I struggle with is putting too much emphasis on money. Some people might not think that a problem at all. I, on the other hand, know all too well the pain that this can cause.

I am not poor in any monetary way. At least I don’t think so. The only debt that I still have is a mortgage on the house and that is relatively small by today’s standard. So why then this problem with putting an emphasis on money?

The biggest reason I believe is because of my faith. If my focus is too much on money (or anything else) it cannot be focused on God. Not everyone can relate to that but maybe by saying that no man can serve two masters might put it into perspective.

In may ways, I feel like money is a weight around my neck. I need to earn so much in order to “afford” the lifestyle I’ve become accustomed to. I fear what would happen if I did not have a higher paying job and had to earn a lot less.

All of these things are real and yet I still come back to how money has taken a front seat in my life. I know it’s not right and yet my fears and anxieties still linger. Maybe part of the increasing angst is the fact that I would like to “retire”.

Not retire as in stop working, but retire as in slow down the breakneck pace I’ve been on for years. I cannot do this in my current role or workplace. The fear of what the “next thing” might look like scares me. After over 20 years I’m not sure what I can do.

Of course, I have some ideas, but fear keeps me from acting on them or even talking about them. Sometimes you just need to step out in faith (go back a few paragraphs).

I need to trust God and all He has planned for me. This is one area of my life that is so difficult. Pride gets in the way as it means I need to surrender. And surrendering means giving up control. Giving up control is so hard to do.